Poda zone - Driving and Thriving

September 9, 2011

Our Indian 2-wheeler driving test is pretty much ridiculous. A simplistic 8 offers you no harbinger of the things you get to face on an Indian road, or rather the lack of it. Let me brief you on what you get to see generally on Indian roads.

Salival hindrances

While most people talk of the emerging upper middle class and their tremendous progress, most of us forget to talk about the Thuppar class. The Thuppar class are the folks who as mandated by tradition occupy window seats in buses and lubricate us when we wait at signals. Thuppars have no qualms and spit it out with one giant inexorable force, with a ‘Khaaa thooo’ noise brimming out from their lungs and saliva spouting out, following an impeccable trajectory of a surface to surface missile.

Traditional Indian spit consists of the following

1. Alchohol (C2H5OH) + Fermented pickle

2. Hans Pan masala - the unifying factor between North India and South India (P.S :Apparently this is not the same as Hans Raj Hans)

3. Masala Vada/Vada Pav remains (depending on the Thuppar’s geography)

4. Other biological weapons of Moist destruction (BWMD)

He is no ordinary man who spits out saliva. He is Thupparman, the Indian super hero, who with his spitting super powers litters the earth and dirties clothes of innocent people waiting on their bikes at traffic signals and does nothing to save the earth.

Escaping from their generous shower of ‘khaaa thoos’ while waiting at the signal should be task number one in your driving test. I generally fear cab drivers who open the door suddenly on the road to spit out.

Religious challenges

As you drive through India, you realize the necessity to hone your observational skill to lookout for anything on the road. Broken pumpkins on the road are revered stuff which cannot be driven on. Learn to anticipate them. If you can pick up the one rupee buried in them while driving, its a plus. Driving over them or religious rangolis is a strict no.

Reverence to God is also paramount, even when you are driving. In case you spot a Ganesha temple whilst driving, make sure you can deftly remove your boots and pray with both hands. People capable of this generally perform in the parade in other countries.

Peer pressure and other obstacles

Learn to handle road rage. Free your mind of guilt. For instance, you can crash into a car, point your hand at him in a scornful manner and transfer guilt across to him thereby absolving your guilt. As per our tradition, you are just transferring Karma or Kurma or something like that.

Learn to understand auto drivers. Anticipate bus stops where auto drivers may apply the brake suddenly. Other challenges you need to undergo are leaking Garbage trucks where you are required to hold your breath for a prolonged duration . This form of breathing technique is called “Pranam Pogudu Yama”. Also, Remember to ignore romantic stray dogs.

Last but not the least, learn to escape from the malicious folks in uniform popularly known in Chennai as Mamas(not to be confused with Chinese appetizer Momos).

P.S: If you are a celebrity, you can ignore traffic laws and run over people. And also shoot blackbucks.

3:11pm | URL: http://tmblr.co/Z3_ZCx9KBPto
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(Notes: 11)