“Is it a bird? Is it a plane?” is what your mind questions as the Chennai auto whizzes past you transgressing any form of existing traffic norms in the world. “Kaide (chennai tamil for donkey), its my auto da” would be his response had he heard your question from the renowned Superman franchise. Adorned with a khakhi shirt that goes over a purple t-shirt with the image of a playboy bunny, he smiles around displaying teeth gleaming with tobacco. When you land up at Chennai, you can’t help but ignore the ubiquitous autos here.
Enterprising, dynamic and audacious, the auto driver is the first thing you see when you set foot outside the Central station in Chennai. The Railway station is a good hunting ground for him, especially early in the day. A bunch of passengers desperate to attend nature’s call, thanks to Indian train toilet hygiene standards, form easy prey for him. The more desperate a passenger, lesser the time for him to bargain. He advances towards you saying “Nee vaa sir, namma polam”. Use of “Nee” and “Sir” in the same sentence makes it sound oxymoronic if you are not used to Chennai talk. He grabs your suitcase and paces to his auto while you chase him internally fretting about the safety of your iPod touch in the suitcase.
Until you reach the auto, you are completely ignorant of the charges and stipulation of the transaction. The driver is unaware of the destination too. When you reach his territory amidst other auto drivers is where the negotiation begins. You are now a gazelle isolated from the herd. “Enga sir”, he starts off in a tone of authority. When you tell him the destination, he nods his head and parks himself on the driver’s seat. You are bemused at his response, or rather the lack of it. You need to put forth one more question on the cost. “300 sir”, he replies in a casual tone. In all likelihood, he quotes an amount that nearly equals 100% of your train fare. Here is where the haggling begins(*subject to nature’s call for morning passengers. PleaseReadTheOfferDocumentCarefullyBeforeInvesting).
As you discuss the rate, other auto drivers gather along to witness the deal. As any helpless customer would do, you would quote an amount that is half of what he quoted. They all smirk at the supposedly irrational amount that you have quoted. Their ganging up makes you feel like a lone creationist stuck with a thin chance of winning an argument amidst evolutionists. But yes, don’t lose hope and get deterred by all the contempt you have to resist.
Every auto driver uses the “One way factor” to justify the amount. The Chennai auto driver theorem states that any two points in the city have at-least one “one way” en route. If he were in control of a space vehicle, his trip to Mars from Earth would encompass a long U-turn along Saturn’s rings. The driver then avers several obscure economic facts on inflation, GDP and oil price to substantiate his quoted price’s validity. Finally the transaction ends at a price that is 80% of the driver’s initial quote.
You are happy to arrive at a discounted price. He is happy to have taken you for a ride without even starting the 3 wheeled miracle. As you enter the auto, you notice his windshield covered by the photo of an actor on the left, the name of a movie on the right, a deity’s name at the top and his children’s names in marquee, effectively giving him a viewing area of a keyhole. He pulls off a lever from nowhere and the auto coughs in response. Most of the autos make a noise akin to a hysterical Amrish Puri.
He whizzes past Mount road, Spencers and LIC building committing all possible transgressions along the way. He takes on everybody. Overtaking buses from the left, driving zig zag in tandem with bikes, driving in parallel with other autos talking to his friends, taking a moment to spin Paan, dodging signals(all of them) and what not. No one but the Chennai auto driver can reproach others in spite of the mistake being his. In short, he is corporate material. You also notice the meter which exists for display purposes. I somehow feel that a meter visually completes the auto. Probably auto meters would make good decorative wedding gifts replacing cutlery and wall clocks. (History states that meters were occasionally used in certain autos, some of them thermodynamically charged to run faster than the auto itself)
The auto driver has no qualms on anything . He just zooms past you with his vehicle in his typical obstinate self. His rates may be exorbitant. But we all like to be paid more, dont we? He may be impolite and rude. But that is him. Talk to him, and he speaks of how Chennai has changed around in the years, his opinion of how IT has ruined the city, Rajnikanth and politics.His opinions on things around him are artless, unlike many of us who don’t have one.
All said and done, nothing beats a window seat ride in an auto. And as for the auto driver, he is by far the super king on Chennai roads.
The end.
One family. One child. <Insert inverted red triangle>
Marriageable age for women : 21
